The Motherhood Project | Heather & Tanner

Heather | (in no particular order) tattooed daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, book worm, photographer, fan of all things pop culture & odd.

Heather & Tanner

During our talk, I jotted down notes & quotes from our discussion. Heather mentioned that she has had a journal on her bed side for a long time, untouched. "I wrote all the time before Tanner was born. I'd love to start writing again."
As I started this blog post, it struck me that this would be a great opportunity for Heather to use this project as a creative outlet for herself as well. I asked if she'd like to write her own personal essay of sorts to go with her photos & she was happy to do so. Heather, I hope that you enjoyed writing this & I truly hope it may lead you to write more often in the future because your words are beautifully honest.

When Kyra asked me to be part of her motherhood project I was super excited, then I thought oh crap, what do I know about being a mom? Yes, I am the mom of a 9 year old, but more often than not I question everything I do as a mother.

Scott and I had been married exactly 8 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. A little unexpected, (we were going to try to wait 2 years before getting pregnant) but life had other ideas it seems. We were excited about it and set out getting ready for our new addition. But while getting ready for a baby, we were still learning how to be a married couple and then Tanner came along and now not only were we still learning about being married, we were learning how to be parents. It definitely wasn’t easy.

But Scott was my rock.

No matter what decisions I made about being a mom he supported me. When I decided I couldn’t breastfeed anymore he supported my decision. When I felt like a failure for not being able to breastfeed our son he made sure to tell me over and over I wasn’t. Not being able to breastfeed was a hard decision for me. I tried. I tried. I tried. I went to a lactation specialist, asked for help from the nurses at the hospital. But nothing worked. It took awhile for me to get over the guilt but Tanner was healthy and happy and that’s all that mattered in the end.

During the first year of Tanner’s life it was hard on Scott and I. Everything was about Tanner. Did he eat? Is it time for bed? Did we change his diaper? We both worked full time jobs, me first thing in the morning, and Scott later in the evening so Tanner wouldn’t have to go to daycare or a babysitter. So a lot of the time we saw each other in passing. It was not easy keeping it together. But we made it work. We found a way to make time for each other. Even if it was just laying in bed talking for a few minutes or while one of us was getting ready for work. And in that first year it was very important.

It was easy to let moments pass when we were so consumed with taking care of Tanner. But the little moments made things easier.

As the years go by, I’ve come to realize my house may never be clean again. I’ve realized that I have a knack for multitasking I never thought was possible ( I can watch TV, read a book, and answer Tanner’s hundreds of questions all at once). Things I use to worry about do not bother me as much.

I wanted to be the perfect mom and perfect wife. But I know for me that’s never going to happen. I am not a perfect person. What I am though is the perfect mom for Tanner and the perfect wife for Scott. In the end that’s all that really matters.

Kyra asked me what advice I have for other moms. I had to think about that. I mean I can offer tons of things I’ve learned but it probably the same things that have been heard over and over again. So this is what I’ve come up with.

Find who you are and remember that person. From the moment you say I do, you are someone’s wife, and from the moment you find out you’re pregnant you are someone’s mom. So it is easy to forget who you are.

It took me a long time to find who I am, to find my individuality. I still struggle with it. But here I am 37 years old, and I rock my black finger nail polish, band tees, and blue hair. I love to read and listen to loud music, and I want to start writing again. Something I quit doing when Tanner was born.

I have to remind myself that I am an individual and if I want Tanner to grow up and embrace his individuality, I have to lead by example, another piece of advice I’d offer, is to be patient. Be patient with yourself, things are never going to go exactly how you want them and that’s okay. Be patient with your spouse, they may not voice their fears or insecurities, but they go through the same things we do. Most importantly is being patient with your little one. They are growing up, and learning every single day. There are going to be days that they will drive you absolutely crazy, but when they hug your neck with their little arms, take a deep breath and remember those moments are what make it all worth it.

Kyra also asked me what I want Tanner to remember most about me and his childhood, and

the one thing I want him to remember is that he is loved.

We may not be able to take him on fancy trips or buy him $100.00 shoes, but no matter what Scott and I love him with all our hearts and that’s what matters most.

-Heather Flaugh