A Letter to Haven (3)

Dear Haven,

Five months. We have survived five entire months!
There have been nights I have laid down in the bed & let out a sigh, thinking, "I did it, another day is done." What a strange feeling to feel triumphant just making it through a day & at the same time feeling sad at how quickly these days roll by in the grand scheme of things.
Your hair is growing like mad & your mile long legs are getting rolls that jiggle when I tickle you. You think Riley is the funniest thing you've ever seen! You sit in your walker & giggle endlessly while her paws click clack around you on the kitchen floor.

The month of February has been quite an eventful one for you. You've survived your first snow storm, ice storm & earthquake! We were without electricity for almost an entire day when the ice storm hit but we bundled you up & you snuggled in the bed with us that night. I don't think I slept much because I was worried to move around too much & also because my heart was so full, feeling your plump cheek nestled against my chest, your steady breath against my skin, those tiny hands tangled in my shirt. The next day we read The Story of Ferdinand by the window light & you laid on your tummy fascinated while daddy & I played Yahtzee & Scrabble.

Your hands are constantly moving! You love to feel new textures & scratch everything with your razor sharp nails. No matter how much daddy clips those nails, they grow like wildfire & you unfortunately enjoy using my skin to sharpen them.
At night, I can hear you scratching your crib bumper in your sleep because you like how soft the material is but the noise sounds very sinister over a baby monitor in the dark, like we're in a horror movie!

I find myself becoming more interested in photography each day because I love documenting your life. I really only have a handful of photos of me as a kid & exactly 2 "professional" family photos (one when I was 8 months, the other at my wedding!) so it's important to me to photograph your life as you grow up. I have to remind myself to step in front of the camera every now & then, too, so that you'll have photos of us together to hold on to throughout your life.
I feel like I'm slowly starting to remember who I was before you were born & learning how to live life with a baby. I still work in the office 3 days out of the week which gives you time to be spoiled by your memaw, I'm starting to do photo sessions & projects again, & you & I "talk" all the time. You're a great listener, sweet baby. Since you've found your voice, you've started experimenting with how loud you can make sounds. Lets just say you can get to a high pitch that only dogs & Mariah Carey can hear.

So, Haven, five months have passed & we're making it through this long winter day by day. You learn something new every day. I love you more every day. We're figuring this whole mother/daughter thing out. I love you, sweet pea.



Infinitely,
Mama

The Motherhood Project | Heather & Tanner

Heather | (in no particular order) tattooed daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, book worm, photographer, fan of all things pop culture & odd.

Heather & Tanner

During our talk, I jotted down notes & quotes from our discussion. Heather mentioned that she has had a journal on her bed side for a long time, untouched. "I wrote all the time before Tanner was born. I'd love to start writing again."
As I started this blog post, it struck me that this would be a great opportunity for Heather to use this project as a creative outlet for herself as well. I asked if she'd like to write her own personal essay of sorts to go with her photos & she was happy to do so. Heather, I hope that you enjoyed writing this & I truly hope it may lead you to write more often in the future because your words are beautifully honest.

When Kyra asked me to be part of her motherhood project I was super excited, then I thought oh crap, what do I know about being a mom? Yes, I am the mom of a 9 year old, but more often than not I question everything I do as a mother.

Scott and I had been married exactly 8 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. A little unexpected, (we were going to try to wait 2 years before getting pregnant) but life had other ideas it seems. We were excited about it and set out getting ready for our new addition. But while getting ready for a baby, we were still learning how to be a married couple and then Tanner came along and now not only were we still learning about being married, we were learning how to be parents. It definitely wasn’t easy.

But Scott was my rock.

No matter what decisions I made about being a mom he supported me. When I decided I couldn’t breastfeed anymore he supported my decision. When I felt like a failure for not being able to breastfeed our son he made sure to tell me over and over I wasn’t. Not being able to breastfeed was a hard decision for me. I tried. I tried. I tried. I went to a lactation specialist, asked for help from the nurses at the hospital. But nothing worked. It took awhile for me to get over the guilt but Tanner was healthy and happy and that’s all that mattered in the end.

During the first year of Tanner’s life it was hard on Scott and I. Everything was about Tanner. Did he eat? Is it time for bed? Did we change his diaper? We both worked full time jobs, me first thing in the morning, and Scott later in the evening so Tanner wouldn’t have to go to daycare or a babysitter. So a lot of the time we saw each other in passing. It was not easy keeping it together. But we made it work. We found a way to make time for each other. Even if it was just laying in bed talking for a few minutes or while one of us was getting ready for work. And in that first year it was very important.

It was easy to let moments pass when we were so consumed with taking care of Tanner. But the little moments made things easier.

As the years go by, I’ve come to realize my house may never be clean again. I’ve realized that I have a knack for multitasking I never thought was possible ( I can watch TV, read a book, and answer Tanner’s hundreds of questions all at once). Things I use to worry about do not bother me as much.

I wanted to be the perfect mom and perfect wife. But I know for me that’s never going to happen. I am not a perfect person. What I am though is the perfect mom for Tanner and the perfect wife for Scott. In the end that’s all that really matters.

Kyra asked me what advice I have for other moms. I had to think about that. I mean I can offer tons of things I’ve learned but it probably the same things that have been heard over and over again. So this is what I’ve come up with.

Find who you are and remember that person. From the moment you say I do, you are someone’s wife, and from the moment you find out you’re pregnant you are someone’s mom. So it is easy to forget who you are.

It took me a long time to find who I am, to find my individuality. I still struggle with it. But here I am 37 years old, and I rock my black finger nail polish, band tees, and blue hair. I love to read and listen to loud music, and I want to start writing again. Something I quit doing when Tanner was born.

I have to remind myself that I am an individual and if I want Tanner to grow up and embrace his individuality, I have to lead by example, another piece of advice I’d offer, is to be patient. Be patient with yourself, things are never going to go exactly how you want them and that’s okay. Be patient with your spouse, they may not voice their fears or insecurities, but they go through the same things we do. Most importantly is being patient with your little one. They are growing up, and learning every single day. There are going to be days that they will drive you absolutely crazy, but when they hug your neck with their little arms, take a deep breath and remember those moments are what make it all worth it.

Kyra also asked me what I want Tanner to remember most about me and his childhood, and

the one thing I want him to remember is that he is loved.

We may not be able to take him on fancy trips or buy him $100.00 shoes, but no matter what Scott and I love him with all our hearts and that’s what matters most.

-Heather Flaugh

The Motherhood Project | Terra & Lyndon

Terra | (in no particular order) world traveler (I remember a story she told of rowing across a body of water in a canoe with a case of beer but I don't remember which continent this was on), daughter, Disney Princess (literally, she was employed as a Princess at Disney World), sister, college graduate, teacher & new mom.
She has the kindest, most innocent voice - perfect for soothing a child & it makes her jokes even funnier to hear them come out in such a sweet voice.

Terra & her high school sweetheart had reconnected long distance, seeing each other while she was finishing school for her teaching degree (& she'd just been accepted into a program to teach in Japan), when they received a major surprise: they were going to be parents. As much of a free spirit as Terra is, there is a traditional gal lurking in there & she was uncomfortable telling people she was pregnant & unmarried. "It wasn't noticeable for a while, but around 6 or 7 months I started to show."
One of her students, a little girl, told her in a hushed voice: "My mom says people can get chubby if they eat too many cookies. Don't eat too many, Miss Black."

"It was like pregnancy didn't really sink in for me. When I had Lyndon, I spent a long time staring at him & thinking, 'Wow, there really was a baby in there.'"
I asked Terra if she felt it didn't sink in because she didn't share the information with everyone right away. She nodded thoughtfully & I could tell from our talk that she worried about her pregnancy raising questions in her young students about marriage & babies coinciding. She tilted her head & with a slightly apologetic smile she said, "I worried about disappointing my parents." (No need for an apologetic smile, I am 27 years old & still worry about disappointing my parents sometimes!)

While teaching in Japan is on hold for now, Terra & her fiancee are raising Lyndon (named after her grandfather & affectionately nicknamed Lindy) close to family & she tends to share a lot of the same feelings I have about being a new mom.

"Forget your expectations," she says, "expectations for pregnancy, birth, people's reactions, motherhood, what you expect your baby to be like. Everything. Nothing is how you expect it to be. If you have no expectations it's easier to cope."

When asked her best piece of advice for new moms, she was quick to reply with: "Always smile at your baby. They will grow up thinking the world is a happy place with people who are glad to see them. Even if your day is terrible and you're ready to scream, still smile at your baby every time [they] look at you."

Terra wants her son to remember a childhood like the one she had: "I want Lindy to remember me as a carefree happy mom who is a total free spirit and full of surprises. My mom was like that. She picked my brother and I up from school one day and asked us if we could go anywhere in the world where would we go? Naturally, we chose Disney. And we went! Straight from the parking lot of school - it was awesome! I want his childhood to be magical and fun. I watched a mom at the grocery store once yelling at her son to hurry up [because] he was fascinated by the automatic doors. If that were my child, and it will be one day, I will take the time to stand with him and watch that door and explain how it works and foster the sense of wonder in him for the world around him."

The Motherhood Project | Kyra & Haven

Motherhood has inspired me to look at myself differently. I find myself struggling to keep an identity other than "Haven's mom" now.
I think women should be celebrated for all the roles that we play in our lives. I have started a personal photo project - photographing mamas in all walks of life (pregnant mamas all the way up to mamas promoted to grandma): The Motherhood Project.
They are simple, clean lifestyle portraits of women & children; in silhouette & against bare backdrops; stripped down images to celebrate our bodies after carrying our babies & to capture us as we are now (because I've learned we are all changing in the blink of an eye; especially our children). You'll never say you have "too many" photos of yourself & your children.

So now, I'm inviting mothers in all stages of life into my messy home for a relaxed, "take-your-shoes-off-step-over-that-pile-of-laundry-and-stay-a-while" lifestyle portrait session. We'll snap some pictures & then put our feet up & talk a while about our lives before babies, how our identities have changed, what we want our kids to remember most about their childhood & what we remember about our own.
Each session will be blogged with photos & snippets of our conversations. If you like to write, you can even write up your own essay/poem/story. This is meant to be a creative outlet not only for myself, but for all women who would like to participate.



Kyra & Haven (4 months)

I am a daughter, wife, mother ... an impostor: a girl, pretending to be a grown up.
I make a brilliant mix tape (...er, iPod playlist these days), I cannot iron any piece of clothing to save my life.
I am passionate about my family, photography & music.
This is what I remember of childhood: K-Mart jelly shoes, french toast for breakfast every morning, listening to Bad Company & AC/DC on cassette, fascination as I thumbed through my parents collection of vinyl records, the crickets & frogs singing in chorus out my window at night, my nose was always in a book & I loved writing. I could make the most mundane events into grand adventures.

When I gave birth to a newborn, I think I was a little shocked. It took me weeks to realize that when I'd imagined having a baby, I'd really envisioned a toddler. I'd let myself get caught up in imagining reading Fancy Nancy books, buying crayons & a Hello Kitty coloring book, & baking cookies with my daughter.
I loved my daughter before we met but it was a head-over-heels-love-at-first-sight moment when she was born. The problem with this was that we didn't know each other. It's the same concept as meeting anyone & feeling an immediate & intense passion - you have no idea why you feel that way but you want to find out more about them; you do so gradually & over a span of time. Imagine however, meeting someone & moving in with them the same day. It was like this with my daughter. We brought her home & then we spent the first month kind of giving sideways glances; sizing each other up to determine if we were a good match while still getting to know each other. She learned my flaws & short comings while tenderly torturing me with sleep deprivation & shrieking, followed by sweet cuddles & innocent heartwarming smiles. She was trying to break me with emotional POW tactics.
I was overwhelmed with these over-the-moon feelings of love & wonder, looking at this tiny human I had a hand in creating & carried in my womb for months. I was beside myself picturing her in pigtails when she gets older, randomly wondering if she'll be right or left handed, then distraught imagining someone breaking her heart & already planning out what advice I'll try to give her; some comforting, wise words that she'll hold on to & maybe give to her own child(ren) some day. The next minute I would be in tears, mourning "my old life". The enormity of the situation would over take me when I let it sink in that my thoughts would never be completely my own again. I spent a few days thinking of all the things I could no longer do & crying over how selfish it made me feel. I know now I had to mourn what I lost so that I could celebrate what I'd gained.
Four months in to motherhood, I believe I can speak for both Haven & myself that we have decided this mother/daughter relationship is going to work. We have a lot to work on but we have plenty of time to figure it all out. We're trying to cut each other some slack since she's still learning to be a baby & I'm learning how to be her mom.

I want Haven to remember her childhood in fleeting glimpses; a cozy messy home filled with a lot of love, a long tradition of dancing in the kitchen while cooking dinner, watching basketball games with her dad, catching fireflies in the summer, the freedom to be fascinated by anything & everything, the support & encouragement from her parents to create & pursue all that inspires her. I hope I am confident enough in my parenting to let Haven become her own person & allow her to make her own decisions without criticism from me when she becomes an adult. From my experience, parents who have done a good job will have kids who grow up to make a few bad decisions (we are, after all, learning) & learn from those mistakes. This early in motherhood, I forsee the inability to make the mistakes for her or prevent them from happening altogether as being the most heartbreaking. Whatever is to come, I want Haven to live a life she's proud of, to have the courage to make it her own & to be blessed with tons of infinite moments along the way.

Motherhood has taught me to be kind to myself. It is so easy to criticize as I fumble through figuring out what's best for Haven or allow myself to feel selfish when I need time for me. "Mom" is not a woman's only identity (as all-consuming as it becomes), never underestimate the importance of taking some time to yourself; however stolen & fleeting the time may seem.